Two individuals hold hands across a table, conveying a sense of comfort and closeness in a relaxed setting.
Tom Werner | Digitalvision | Getty Images
When Astronomer ex-CEO Andy Byron and the company’s HR head were caught cuddling on a jumbotron during a concert, the moral condemnation was followed by a collective question: Why would they risk their families and careers for a tryst?
As an executive counsellor and couples’ therapist, I often spend my days sitting across from clients who are contemplating or already involved in similar situations. Most are not abusers, narcissists, or sex addicts who engage in serial cheating. They are good people: hardworking, kind, and devoted to their careers and families.
So, what makes a person — even one who swears they would never cheat — suddenly cross the precipice and risk everything for an affair?
Humans are wired to want the approval of others, and as social beings, our survival often depends on it. We “go with the flow,” repressing our emotions to please those around us.
But like a spring that becomes more tightly wound with each passing year, this can quietly lay the groundwork for a violent recoil.
Here are five surprisingly common psychological pitfalls that can make someone risk everything for an affair.
1. Always being ‘good’
Many of my clients who have engaged in extramarital affairs have always considered themselves to be “good.” They listened to their parents, studied hard, landed a lucrative job, got married, had kids, and followed every societal expectation to the letter.
For them, love and acceptance in childhood were linked to achievement, and they often reach middle age without having a clear sense of who they really are. When an uneasy sense that “something is missing” inevitably starts to emerge, they sometimes turn to an affair in an attempt to fill the void.
2. Being a perfectionist
It’s no surprise that perfectionism is a trait I see in almost all of my high-performing clients. But perfectionism is often a response to trauma. Children in volatile environments or those given inconsistent approval often believe that doing everything perfectly will keep them safe.
Over time, they become weary of enforcing impossibly high standards on themselves and those around them. When an affair beckons, they may suddenly give up on trying to be perfect and doubl