NEW YORK — The year the radio station company where he worked held its holiday party at a dive bar, Ryan Arnold walked in and saw coworkers passing around a tall glass boot filled with beer. He heard the office manager belting out ‘80s power ballads between whiskey shots. Arnold’s first thought was, “When can I leave?”
More than 20 years later, he still remembers that awkward social event he felt obligated to attend. Arnold, 46, who describes himself as socially anxious, now thinks twice before accepting invitations to group gatherings.
“I don’t want to go into a place where I experience things I can’t unsee,” he said. “Not to be dramatic, but I just don’t want that image.”
For many introverts, shy individuals and people with social anxiety, mingling at parties is often draining or arouses uncomfortable emotions. The internal debate about whether or not to attend large get-togethers can get especially intense during the holiday season, a time when many workplaces celebrate with cocktail hours, gift exchanges and other forms of organized fun.
“Some people are just not party people,” City University of New York social work professor Laura MacLeod said. “With a workplace holiday party, there’s a pressure to be very happy and excited. It’s the end of the year, it’s the holidays, we’re all feeling grand. And maybe people are not really feeling that grand.”
Attending work parties also leaves some people feeling uncertain about professional boundaries, which can get murky at events where people drink alcohol, said MacLeod, who created a consulting company called From the Inside Out Project that trains managers on team relationships and conflict resolution.
Therapists and workers who consider themselves shy or introverted shared tips for surviving and potentially enjoying the winter festivities, whether with coworkers, family or friends.
Take control of everything you can to put yourself at ease, starting with what you wear, MacLeod said. Find out the dress code and choose something comfortable within the parameters of acceptable attire. “If it’s not your thing to wear five- or six-inch heels, just because it’s a holiday party, don’t do it,” she said. “If you want flat shoes, wear flat shoes.”
Introverts and shy people may find smaller crowds more manageable, and the turnout at parties tends to be smallest at arrival time. While nerves might make it tempting to hug the sidelines, positioning yourself there also may increase self-consciousness. Experts suggest heading to the center of the room, where participating in conversations is easier because there are more of them.
If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, stay a short time. It’s fine to say, “I just wanted to come and be sure to wish everybody happy holidays. … I’ve got some family things I have to handle tonight, so this is a quick stop for me,” MacLeod said. “Get yourself in and out.”
Thinking in advance of topics you enjoy discussing can help relieve anxiety. Another good way to engage is by asking open-ended questions, such as whether a colleague has interesting holiday plans, recommended Andrea Taylor, a psychologist at UTHealth Houston. You can also ask people what they like to do outside of work.
Keeping a conversation going