Help! I Can’t Escape the Ghosts of My Husband’s Horrid Neighborhood Affair.

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

Two year ago, my (now ex) husband had an affair with our 29-year-old neighbor (we’ll call her Opal) when our second child was just a few weeks old. I found out about their affair in the middle of my 40th birthday party a few days after bringing my 5-week-old infant home from the ICU. Opal also left her husband, who still lives across the street, with his new partner.

Now, Opal’s daughter and my daughter go to the same elementary school—so I regularly run into both Opal, her daughter, her ex-husband, and her ex-husband’s new partner as we walk to school and drop off our kids. My primary goal is to be warm and friendly in public to everyone, especially their daughter—but I don’t want to have contact with any of them outside of those unavoidable interactions. It’s just too painful for me given the series of traumatic events following my son’s birth (traumatic birth/infant in ICU, postpartum complications, c-section recovery, RSV/infant in ICU again, discover husband’s affair with 11-years-younger neighbor).

I’m doing my very best to navigate this shit sandwich that I’ve been dealt in a way that supports my kids, my own wellbeing, and my co-parenting relationships with my ex-husband (who, to be clear, did some truly awful things … but he’s the father of my kids, so I’m stuck with him).

Here’s my problem: I need advice on boundaries! Opal’s ex-husband has been texting me for info because apparently Opal isn’t communicating well as a co-parent. And he says his new partner wants to “formally” meet me. I see no need to be “formally” introduced to my ex-husband’s girlfriend’s ex-husband’s girlfriend. And I feel like I should have zero obligation to communicate any limited information I have to my ex-husband’s girlfriend’s ex-husband? Tell me I’m the sane one in this situation!

—Not My Circus

Dear Not My Circus,

You have zero obligation to communicate with your ex-husband’s girlfriend’s ex-husband or his girlfriend. I promise you that. But you might want to tell your ex-husband that you won’t be exchanging information with his girlfriend’s ex-husband anymore, so one or both of them should be prepared to take over those lines of communication.

Dear Prudence,

My partner won’t leave politics alone—we hold similar political views, but discussing them every evening is exhausting me. Tonight, he was criticizing a politician’s hypocritical behavior and seemed increasingly upset (though largely unsurprised) by it. When I suggested he limit the attention he gives to the upcoming U.S. presidential election and focus on something less stressful to him, he got really angry. He knows I share his views—I just can’t take his daily emotional response to the news. When I tell him this, he says he “must be boring me” and then won’t chat with me at all.

A wrinkle in this is that my partner is from Canada. He is not a U.S. citizen and does not want to become one (who can blame him?). I have suggested he volunteer for a get-out-the-vote effort or similar in order to exercise his passion for U.S. politics, but he says his job is too stressful.
He regularly tries to instruct me in U.S. history and politics (this is also exhausting). I am a registered U.S. voter with a degree in U.S. history. I try to stay well informed about today’s issues. My partner is familiar with my education, and I have told him that I find his instruction unnecessary and a little annoying, but this had no effect. I try to change the subject, but he brings it right back around to politics and how angry he is about them (often with a bonus history round). I am so tired.

It’s not as though I’m the only one he can talk to about the political situation. Though his colleagues at work do not share his views, his mother and sister do. He speaks or emails with both of them several times a week, and they enjoy discussing political news from the U.S. and Canada with him. I can understand that it could be particularly frustrating to live and work in a country where you can’t vote, but does that mean I have to spend every night listening to The Angry Canadian Monologues?

—Are Earplugs the Answer?

Dear Earplugs,

Yikes, this does sound exhausting! But subject matter aside, my guess is that your partner is a certified yapper; which is to say, I think he’s just verbally processing his emotions. I can understand how it would feel like he’s lecturing you by constantly relaying the ins and outs of political functions you’re already privy to and news you’re following as well, but I wonder if this might just be the way he knows how to expel those intense emotions from his body and mind. Of course, even if that’s true, understanding the impulse behind his nightly diatribes won’t save you from feeling held hostage during them. Perhaps there’s a way to leave room for him to say what he needs to say, while limiting how long you’re expected to be present for that conversation?

Maybe suggest that conversations about politics are allowed for 20 minutes after dinner, and then you both either have to move on to the next subject, or reach out to a friend or family member or—perhaps easiest for everyone—sound off on social media. It may be true that verbal processing is his primary mode of dealing with his feelings, but that doesn’t mean you have to be his primary outlet.

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Dear Prudence,

My sister remarried six months after her divorce and moved the kids to a new city. Within the next two years, she had two more kids with her new husband. It has been very hard on my niece and nephew. They haven’t adjusted well at all. My niece is being targeted by bullies at her high school, and my nephew keeps butting heads with his stepfather. Both have expressed a desire to go live with their dad (which would functionally mean going to their grandparents since the man is a waste of space). My sister refuses to even think about it and believes if she pushes hard enough with the family bonding that everything will comes up roses.

The last time I visited, I brought up the idea that she allow the kids a trial run with their dad’s family for a semester. She told me that she wasn’t going to break up her family; I told her she was already on the way there. Her kids are seriously unhappy. My sister doesn’t want to hear it and even stopped family therapy because of it. Now she’s not speaking to me.
Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my mouth, but the situation has only gotten worse. What are my options here? I live in another state and can’t see the kids regularly.

—Unhappy Kids

Dear Unhappy Kids,

Unfortunately, at this point, you’ve mostly done what you can. There has been a lot of upheaval in your sister’s family, and for now, she’s receiving all critiques of the way she’s handling it as personal attacks. I don’t think you’re going to be able to change her mind, and my guess is that all attempts will be met with stonewalling and further alienation. We both know that the hardships this family is facing won’t get better while being ignored, and while we may hope the damage doesn’t become irreparable, there’s no guarantee that won’t happen. Still, however this plays out, you are not in a position to pa