I was so exhausted by all the worrying that I knew something had to change. My never-ending loops of thoughts were always a form of fear, which had me in a constant state of anxiety. I was stuck in my mind, unable to connect with the small daily pleasures of my life.
Worrying did not help in any way. I wasted so many days worrying about things that didn’t eventuate! Mark Twain is often quoted as saying, “I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
How it began
I see now that worrying was an unconscious strategy by my childhood self. At times, that child felt unsafe in an environment of reactive and dysregulated adults. The big emotions of fear, confusion and insecurity created an emotional charge that was overwhelming for her developing nervous system. As a clever protective adaptation, she locked away those too-big feelings and ran off into her mind, attempting to create meaning and a sense of control.
The endless thoughts were trying to protect the younger me from the overwhelm of feelings. They still do that now. Other people’s struggles bring up buried pain in me, then worrying thoughts take over to distract me from that pain.
Changing this unhelpful habit
For me, it’s an ongoing four-step process: Stop, regulate, feel, surrender.
Stop: Interrupt and reframe
If I can catch myself before I jump onto the worry- train, I say a simple word that helps me step back from the platform. “Stop”.
I also make a conscious effort to challenge and let go of my self-identity that says, “This is just who I am. This is how I love.” Having compassion for my younger self’s attempt at protection, I internally say to the worrying thoughts, “Thank you. You gave me some semblance of control during that childhood stage, but it’s not helping now.”
Regulate: and settle my nervous system
This happens by doing anything that has me in the flow state — connected to my senses and the present moment. Establishing a daily mindfulness meditation practice is essential. This allows me to relax, drop into deep breathing patterns and, crucially, discipline my mind to witness my thoughts instead of being embroiled in them.
Other ways I settle my nervous system include spending time in nature, bubble baths, relaxation, breathwork, exercise, singing, danci