The Moneyist
‘I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past five years and my husband is the sole breadwinner’
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Dear Quentin,
My family is small. My uncle, my 74-year-old dad, and my twin sister and I are the only ones left. My mom died 17 years ago. My uncle is worth at least $2 million, probably more. My dad has at least $1 million. My uncle and dad also own a printing company, including the building and the land. When my uncle dies, my dad will inherit my uncle’s estate. When my dad dies, my twin sister and I will split everything 50/50.
I am married with two kids. We live in Illinois. It is my understanding that in Illinois, inheritance is not marital property unless it’s put in a joint account. My husband and I do not have a prenup. I thought about getting one when we married, but I ultimately decided against it. I trust that my husband isn’t a gold digger. He didn’t know how much I could stand to inherit when we got married. I have been a stay-at-home mom for the past five years, and my husband is the sole breadwinner.
A couple of years ago, I inherited money from my maternal grandmother. My husband said it was “our money” because we are married and we share everything. It was deposited in our joint account. We’ve since paid off debt and done some work on our house. That money originally would have gone to my mom, but since had already died, my aunt and uncles gave her portion to my sister and me. My husband would get irritated when I said it was my money because I inherited it.
‘We are never, ever telling any of his family that I will inherit a large sum of money.’
If his parents ever need help paying for their retirement or for a nursing home, which would be expensive, I want him and his brothers to work it out among themselves. It should come from my husband’s paycheck and never my inheritance. The reason I feel this way is because his family is fairly selfish. They hardly call and they can’t even remember our kids’ birthdays unless we remind them. We see them three to five times a year, and they have always favored my husband’s brothers.
I thought about just telling him I won’t put his name on the account when I inherit this money unless he agrees the money doesn’t ever go to his parents. Can my dad put anything in his will to safeguard this money? I keep thinking about this, and I feel selfish for thinking that his way. His parents worked their butts off for years and were fairly poor for a long time, but they were trying to give their kids the American dream. But this money isn’t for them. It’s for me and my family.
We are never, ever telling any of his family that I will inherit a large sum of money. I don’t mind sharing this inheritance with my husband, but it is not to be used for his family. His two brothers need to step up. I’m pretty sure my husband is going to think I’m a horrible, selfish person if I keep the inheritance under my name only. That could seriously damage our marriage. So when I inherit this money, what do I do? How do I protect it, other than by keeping it in a separate account?
Loyal Wife
Related: ‘I want to do the right thing’: My ex-husband is worth 10 times what I’m worth. Is it fair that we contribute equally to our son’s college education?
Dear Loyal,
You can’t control what your husband thinks of you, so stop trying.
If we decided to base our actions on what other people thought of us, we would all give away our money and our belongings, and we would have no boundaries whatsoever. You are entitled to your opinion, and your husband is entitled to his. The basis of marriage is not that you should agree all the time or obey each other. This is the 21st century, and inheritance is treated as separate property under the law because the legal system deems that fair and equitable.
Speaking of which, Illinois is an equitable-distribution state, not a community-property state, which means that in a divorce, assets are split equitably, based on the length of the marriage and how much each party contributed, among other factors. Equitable does not, of course, mean equal. But if you spent $500,000 of your inheritance on, say, a house renovation or deposited it in a joint account, the money would be commingled and would be part of your marital estate.
You will be better able to stand up to your husband and stick by your principles if you are financially independent.
Your husband is incorrect. Your inheritance from your grandmother did not belong to you both. It was your money until you decided to deposit it in a joint account. Your husband is the sole breadwinner and, for that reason alone, it’s essential that you keep a large portion of your future inheritance — or, ideally, all of it — in a separate bank account. You will be better able to stand up to your husband and stick by your principles if you are financially independent.
In your husband’s defense: There may be cultural and practical factors at play. In his eyes, he believes every dollar that comes into your respective bank accounts is part of the family pot, particularly given that he has been the sole financial contributor for the past five years. As a stay-at-home mother, however, you are also working, raising your children, and managing your household. It’s often seen as a thankless job. Salary.com has estimated that, if paid, the annual salary for being a stay-at-home mom would be roughly $184,000.
The more he pushes you to commingle this money, however, the more reason you have to resist. Your father could set up a family trust or trusts for you and your sister; he could give you an annual income from this trust for a certain period of time and earmark a portion for your children’s education. It might not stop your husband from trying to
