When I turned 47 in 2019, just before Covid, I was a confident writer, artist and corporate climber with two daughters fresh out of college and a hard-working husband. By most definitions, I was living a happy, fulfilling, successful life. Outside, I was smiling and enjoying my life. Inside, I had become a bundle of nervous energy, fearful of things that I usually would not give a second thought. I didn’t recognise this sick, paranoid woman at all.
After a little more research and a chat with a woman at my favourite health-food store, I finally discovered a condition that stuck — health anxiety. Particularly for women my age, health anxiety is an actual, debilitating condition that can go untreated for far too long. Fortunately, with increased awareness of mind-body health, a greater understanding of complementary and alternative medicines and the popularity of self-care, we have new options for discovering and managing health anxiety.
The symptoms
I first noticed my anxiety as I was preparing for a trip home to visit my family, something I always looked forward to. For some reason, I didn’t feel the joy. Instead, I was nervous, anxious and filled with dread. I didn’t know where these feelings were coming from or why I was having an adverse reaction to a positive thing. I went on the trip and enjoyed myself but returned home still disturbed by my thoughts and feelings.
Shortly after returning home, I found myself acutely aware of any physical pain or sensation. If my back hurt, I wondered if I had sciatica; an upset stomach found me Googling the symptoms of gastrointestinal disease or pancreatitis; and tender breasts during ovulation sent me spiralling into breast cancer panic. The internet only increased my fears by connecting my symptoms to the scariest illnesses. Just one year before, I would have visited my doctor for an exam. But my new talent for catastrophising led to a new level of anxiety — fear of doctors. I was trapped in a spiral of thinking I was sick while being too afraid to do anything about it.
Learning begins
One day, I walked into the health-food store in my neighborhood. I bumped into the woman who managed the herbal remedies and she asked me how I was. I shared my experience and was sure she would tell me to see my doctor. Instead, she asked me my age. When I told her I was 48, she smiled and said “Oh, honey, you’re going into menopause.” It shook me to my core.
For the next few weeks, I replaced my d